Jesuit Jokes

As some of you know, I attended a Jesuit college preparatory high school.  For the most part, my experiences there were superb.  I met some guys who I believe will be my friends for many years.  In addition, the Jesuit philosophy on education emphasizes things like the Magis (excellence in all things) and the grad-at-grad profile that you just don’t get at a public university.  I respect the Jesuits and their views on education, and today, I am posting some Jesuit jokes that we can all appreciate.

(1) One day a priest was visiting one of his parishioners, and, asking about her teenage son, discovered that she was worried about what career he would choose. The priest said he could tell by a simple test. He put on the coffee table a Bible, a wallet, and a bottle of scotch.

"If he chooses the Bible," the priest told her, "that's a sign he's destined for the priesthood. If he chooses the wallet, he's called to be a banker. And if he chooses the bottle of scotch, he's bound to become a bum."

The teenager came in and the priest told him he could have any object on the table. The boy picked up all three.

"Oh no!" the priest shouted. "He's going to be a Jesuit!"

(2)The Franciscans, the Dominicans, and the Jesuits were having a meeting when suddenly all the lights went out. Without a moment's hesitation, the Franciscans all took out their guitars and began to sing. In the next moment, the Dominicans all stood up and began to preach. In the next moment, the Jesuits all sighed, then went to the basement and replaced the fuse.

(3)A Jesuit, a Franciscan, and a Dominican were playing golf, and got stuck behind a group of golfers who played extraordinarily slowly. A bit frustrated, they went up to the group in front asked why the group was moving so slowly.

"We are part of a program for golfers with visual impairments; they pair off with sighted golfers who help them line up the shot and keep track of where the ball is," said the leader of the group.

The Franciscan was touched to the heart by this, apologized for any rudeness, and declared that he would join up with the program at the next opportunity. The Dominican also apologized, and said that he would mention the program when next he preached.

The Jesuit also apologized, but took the leader aside and said, "You should keep up the excellent work. But don't you think it would make more sense for them to play at night?"

(4)A miser had three sons, one of whom became a Dominican, one of whom became a Franciscan, and one of whom became a Jesuit. On his deathbed he called them in and told them that he wanted each of them to place a thousand dollars in his casket to be buried with him.

At the service, the three went up and the Dominican said, "This is a waste of money, Dad, but since you are my father and I owe you your last wishes, I've gotten permission from my Order to fulfill them." And he place a thousand dollars in hundred-dollar bills in the casket.

The Franciscan said, "Dad, it eats me up inside, but there is so much good that could be done with that thousand for people who need it more that I just can't do it: I will not waste it on something so frivolous."

The Jesuit behind him clapped him on the back. "Don't worry, brother, I have you covered." Then he took the Dominican's thousand out of the casket, pocketed it, and replaced it with a check for three thousand dollars.

(5)A Jesuit and a Franciscan were involved in a car accident. Hurriedly they got out to make sure the other person was OK, each insisting that it was probably his own fault.

Then the Jesuit, very concerned for his fellow religious, said, "You look very badly shaken up. You could probably use a stiff drink." At that he produced a flask, and the Franciscan, who was indeed a bit shaken up, took it gratefully.

"One more and I'm sure you'll be feeling fine," the Jesuit said, and the Franciscan took another. Then the Jesuit took the flask and put it safely away.

"You look a bit shaken up yourself," the Franciscan said. "Are you sure you don't want to take a bit?"

The Jesuit replied, "Oh, I certainly will; but I think I'll wait until after the police arrive."